Sex, marriage and companionship 

A Releasing Your Unlimited Creativity discussion topic

Copyright 2009 by K. Ferlic,   All Rights Reserved

Sex, marriage and companionship are seen by many as three things which go together. That is, one cannot, or at least should not, have sex outside of marriage and the partner we choose for marriage becomes our sex partner and life long companion. Some look to a variety of animal specials where male and females members of species mate for life as examples of "the way nature meant it to be." Other look for that idea soul mate as both their sexual partner and marriage partner to find the equivalent of heaven here on earth.

Although some do live a life of sex, marriage and companionship which fits this idea, many more would say this is very much an idyllic and fanciful arrangement. Also it can be said this is a idea of only a limited number of cultures and social systems and there are a wide variety of other possibilities which exist. Given the great variability between the possibility of sex, marriage and companionship all fully integrated and sex, marriage and companionship all being totally independent of each other with no overlap the question is "What arrangement, if any, truly serves us?"

From a creativity perspective, the goal is to hold our creativity sacred and that of any other. This is especially true for sex, marriage and companionship. However, we each are unique. What works for one may not work for another. The only recommendation made here on these topics is that whatever we do, hold our creativity and that of our partner sacred and learn to dance between the true need of each, each giving to the other to meet their true needs.

The following provide some thoughts and considerations which have been found in the exploration of our inherent creativity to allow us to hold our creativity and that of the other as sacred. When it comes to sex, marriage and companionship, it is recommended we look carefully as to what we personally expect from each and what we think and believe about each. We also need to look to see if our ideas about sex, marriage and companionship correspond to the individual’s thinking and beliefs with whom we hope to engage in that sex, marriage or companionship and to those held by our society. The most important thing we need to do is understand what we desire to create and why. We need to pull the string to look to see exactly what we are seeking.

Sex, marriage and companionship are first discussed separately followed by a discussion on how one may go about integrating the three. Here again, each of us are unique and we need to find what works best for us to hold our creativity and that of the other as sacred.

Considerations on sex

As a human being and as a human being involved in creative endeavors, we can fully expect to experience sexual feelings. However, we need to understand experience has shown the sexual feeling which arise when sex is required for a creative endeavor is different from the sexual feelings which arise from a creative endeavor not requiring a sexual interaction. Both of these feelings are quite different than the feeling which arise from either a biological urge or and urge created by our mind to have sex. It also needs to be noted the feeling which arise from a biological urge are different than those created by our mind. The key is discernment and coming to know and understand the sexual feeling we have and how and what our body feels within our whole body and being when we have sexual feelings. It is here we have need to become very clear on the feelings which correspond to giving us life.

Relative to holding our creativity sacred and that of the other, however we choose to engage in sex and for whatever reason we may give ourselves, we need to look to see if we and the other experience movement toward and fullness of being, expansion of our being or a blossoming of our being. If we do, then we are being served by the sexuality. If however we find we need to deny ourselves or the other needs to deny themselves in any, we or they are not being served. Also, we should not feel an emptiness, as though something is missing or any similar feelings after the sexual engagement. Any sexual experience should be something which moves us toward an expansion of our being.

Although there are aspects of sex which can be done alone, we need another. We need another to give the experience of sex but also one who is willing to create the space and hold the space for us to access and use what can be found in the way it needs to be used. There are a variety of doorways which sex can open for us. What can be found and subsequently used depends on both our nonconscious and conscious intention we hold for we can enter the doorway in conscious or nonconscious way and the intention of the other.

Considerations on companionship

Because there is the need for another sex naturally pulls us into relationships with others. We naturally start to look for another with whom to have our sexual relationship. How and what those relationships look like depends on how and what we think and believe as that of the other with whom we engage. The concept of the beloved and soul mate are ideas where we have both the passionate sexual partner and the perfect companion who meets all our needs. But here it needs to be noted that a companionship can exist without sex. The question is are we seeking a companion ship or are we seeking a companion with whom we can have sex. Or, are we seeking a companionship with someone with whom we can have sex. Here again, we need to become very clear on what we seek and why.

A successful relationship is built on each being willing to take full responsibility for what is created and we do not blame the other. Each encourages the growth and free unfoldment of themselves and the other. Each is willing to nurture the true needs of oneself and the other. We don’t look to the other to complete us in any way. They may complement us and what we do, but they do not complete us. The other should be someone with whom we desire to share life and share creation/Creation. In doing so, they create the space for us to grow into the infinity of our being as we create the space for them to do the same.

We need to realize, some people enter into relationships, especially marriage, in the hope that this will remove the need for them to face their fears, conquer their demons and do the necessary inner work. Secure in the knowledge of the relationship and that they have found a partner, many figure they are then be able to relax, lead a contented life without conflict, or without the need to change. If we approach partnerships and relationships with such expectations we will probably be swiftly disappointed or rob ourselves of our creative passion over time.

Relative to relationships, it is said that we become like the company we keep. There is some truth is this statement. We either have to accept and live the values of those around us or we risk alienation and separation from them. This is true of any relationship and it is fine provided the values of the others are healthy for us and allow us to grow into the infinity of our being. However, more often than not, we are under some subtle and not so subtle social pressure to compromise. We will find we will need to alter our needs if we want to be accepted. However, instead of bowing to this pressure, we should seek the company of those more naturally in alignment with the truth of our being.

One thing we need to consider in our relationships is we tend to mimic and copy patterns modeled by our early care givers and those in our life. What we see as a young child and even as adults if it is our first exposure to something it become our model for that aspect of being or of Creation. What we see in the relationship of the males with males, females with males and females with females as a young child became our images of how we thing need to be and how we need to respond in such situations. This is especially true in the relation ship between the primary male and primary female in our life and how this primary male and primary female interact. In looking for what we seek or expect in a relationship, we may want to consider if the models of our early life were really good models and were such that the true needs of the individuals were being nurtured. If the models we use provided for the true needs for themselves and others, the models will probably serve us in life. If however, the models we use did not provide for the true needs of themselves or others in their life, we can be pretty sure using that model will create problems for us.

Relative to relationships we should approach a relationship out of wholeness and completeness and with the desire to share life with the other. We should not be looking for them to fulfill what must come from inside of us. We need to realize our inner world is reflected in the outer and within each of us we have an inner masculine and inner feminine. Most of us will look for the other in our life to fulfill what is not been fulfilled by our inner masculine or inner feminine.

Whether we are male or female, if our inner masculine cannot adequately protect the inner feminine, we will look to our external companion to do for us what our inner masculine is not doing. Similarly, if our inner feminine cannot properly do her job, we will look for that other to do what the inner feminine should be doing. What this means is we look to that external other to give us something which must come from within. In doing so, that external other will never be able to give us what we seek. No external person can give what we must give ourselves. Rather, we each must create the space within ourselves for both our inner masculine and inner feminine to come to maturity. Then, with a mature inner masculine and mature inner feminine we will find a completeness and wholeness within our own being. That wholeness and completeness gets reflected externally and we can then create the space for any other to find a similar wholeness and completeness if we choose to do so. It is here can we share life with another and create a companionship which truly serves each other.

Considerations on marriage

Marriage is in essence a social contract approved by society. In essence, marriage is really a social contract focused on the sharing of wealth and on care and control of the physical offspring which comes from sex and/or is the socially approved way of sharing life with another, and/or is society’s way of sanctioning sex. For some it is a license to have sex. For some it is permission to live together and share properly.

It is because another is needed to create an offspring many societies create a contract, which most call marriage, around the two individuals who are to engage in sex. Additionally, depending on what the society believes, the marriage is a way to direct the two individuals into and out particular doorways offered in sex or through sex. Sometime the individuals are directed in a way which serves the individuals. Other times the individuals are directed in a way which serves the society. Sometimes the individuals are directed in a way which both serves the two individuals and society. Yet, sometimes the two individuals are directed in a way that serves neither of them nor does it serve the society.

Some concepts of marriage involve sexuality to produce offspring and nothing more relative to any relationships. For example, the traditional arranged marriage. With a marriage solely to produce offspring there may or may not be some enjoyment of sex and little to no consideration to share life together. Often it is just a duty to be performed. Although not an arranged marriage the idea that we need to get married to have children cause many seek a mate to have children but not necessarily someone with whom we desire to share life. One thing which needs to be understood is that sex is about creating life. If the relationship with a marriage is not a life giving and life sustaining relationship the sex will not be there unless it is performed in obligation.

In many ways the whole concept of only having sex in marriage is a way to make the creative power available in sex and sexuality relatively safe. That is, the marriage contract and the social structure around the marriage in society create a container in which to contain and direct the energy releases in sexuality and it provides a space to address the physical and nonphysical offspring of the relationship. However, such a container does nothing to address the need to hold our creativity sacred, learn how to use sex creatively and/or to give us the experiences we incarnated to have. It may, but marriage is not designed to address these issues. It is designed to contain and direct the creative powers within sexuality in the direction determined by society.

Marriage creates a socially acceptable container and gives limits and boundaries on sex as to what it means. If we believe what we are told about sex, marriage and the need for marriage, the door is closed to using the creative power in sex consciously and much of what we do remains nonconscious. That is, all the creative powers of sex are still there it is just that they work nonconsciously. In any case, it is our beliefs about sex for the most part are what contains and controls what is and is not accessed. It is then only when the intention for our life and the desire to have the experiences we incarnated to have becomes so strong that we break through all the programming. However, often it is painful to do so we live with a pain we end up trying to numb or suppress in some way leading to some type and kind of addiction.

Mixing marriage, sex and companionship

When sex, marriage and companionship are seen as three things which go together things start to become very confused simply as a result of all the expectations we have about sex marriage and companionship. But, probably the biggest problem is there is an illusion in our mind as to who and what we think that other person is. When we get to really know them and live with them, often we find them someone quite different. This may not be necessarily bad, but it will be a surprise.

If we are going to mix sex, marriage and companion ship, from a creativity perspective we should try and achieve the following. There is an intention for our life and we incarnated to have certain types and kinds of experiences. Creation is not done alone. We all need someone to support our creative efforts. Most importantly we all need someone to support our dream and give us the space to for our creative spirit to be free to unfold to manifest our dream and the intention for our life. If our dream and intention for our life are supported all else will fall into place.

In many ways the whole concept of "finding a mate," marriage and the like is not about looking for someone to have sex, raise a child or be with in our life. It is about someone to support our dream and what we wish to manifest. However, most forget the need to support the dream of the individual with whom they mate. When the dream is unfulfilled the passion and enthusiasm for life leave and so does the sex and relationship.

Whether we realize it or not we continually look for someone to support our dream and what lies in our heart. The longing for the beloved/Beloved, that perfect soul mate, the muse are all about being able to embrace what we incarnated to experience. We package it different ways, give it different names, but in the end, it is simply about someone to support our dream.

There is a shallow level to marriage where people are together for sex, children, tradition, society and the like. Then there is a deep level marriage which it the commitment to each other to be create the space for each other to become fully expressed true to who and what we are. Here the marriage based on realization each is on a journey of creation and exploration and each needs a place in which to come, rest and collect themselves. Here the marriage is sort of a base camp where each can come "home" to rest. It is a place to be accepted in the truth of who and what they are and they are free to express themselves in the awareness of the dance with the other. The commitment is to the unfoldment and expression of the truth of one's being and the other and not the world that ego has created. In this regard no one has to "leave" another’s life. Each just needs to realize each will have the need for experiences not needed by the other even if that required experience is a sexual experience with a third individual.

Independent of what the society of the two individuals believe, the recommendation here is if the two individuals between themselves desire to create a deep relationship they can do something to the equivalent of binding aka cords. Binding aka cords is where they choose to combine their energy for a common purpose. The common purpose may be to just enjoy the pleasure of sex. There is nothing wrong with this but both must be very clear this is their purpose and nothing else. But then each would have to work for the pleasure of themselves and the pleasure of the other. Most will find this much more difficult than they first imagine. It needs to be realized that if we set the intention to simply enjoy sex, then all the reason why we are not free to truly enjoy sex will surface to be addressed. If we don’t address them, they will interfere if not destroy the relationship. We need to realize and remember, sexuality is the second most creative state and it works at the conscious and nonconscious levels. Engaging in sex will cause the door to the nonconscious mind to open and influence whatever experience we have. If our nonconscious house is not clean all of the stuff from that unclean house will surface to be addressed. It is inescapable and inevitable. That is, unless we turn ourselves off to what is really happening and what we are experiencing, which most do. Hence the advantage of marriage - a socially sanctioned way only to address what society feels needs to be addressed. Every other aspect which arises relative to the freedom of our creative spirit needs not be addressed for it is not with the scope of the marriage.

Related topics
What to look for in another or any "teacher"
A bottom line about sex and our creativity
Sensual experience beyond sex

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