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As discussed in the topic “The
time capsule - second mystical experience of memory” the
author’s desired to play the violin at age four but was thwarted in
that endeavor. Yet, there was the need to put the creative energy
that desired to play the violin somewhere. He needed some way, some
outlet for this creative energy to be expressed. The way the author
found to express, protect and preserve his creative spirit such that
no one could thwart its expression was through trains. The outlet of
trains allowed him to keep is creative spirit safe for over forty
years. It was almost as if he put it into a time capsule to be
called out when the time was ready.
As was stated in the discussion “The
Power to Observe” his first awareness of his ability to observe
through time was essentially a result of trains. Living adjacent to
railroad, with a second different railroad within eyesight, he
started to watch and observe the trains and essentially become
mesmerized by them when his brother received a model HO train set
one Christmas. He simply took the passion for his life and put it
into trains for safe keeping. This only became apparent in hindsight
as he watched how his interest in trains shifted over the years and
provided a profound awareness about his life shortly before the
Ultimate Accident. However, as he journeyed through life, he did
not realize what his interest in trains really represented.
His interest in trains was clearly established as a safe haven for
his creativity and creative spirit by the time he was six or seven
years old. He loved to watch them and he loved to play with them. It
is curious that at this early age he was aware of both O gauge in
the form of the Lionel and American Flyer and HO gauge. In fact he
had both an O gauge and an HO gauge train set available in which to
become interested. He chose the HO gauge because it looked more real
and less like toys. Quite simply, HO represented model trains to him
where as O gauge represented toys. He would say he want to model the
world, he did not want to play with toys.
He remembered feeling even at this early age, the HO trains looked
much more real than the O gauge. There was something about the
detail and the looks of the HO gauge trains the appealed to him. For
years he never understood exactly why he choose the HO gauge. Again,
in hindsight, it was what was available artistically. The HO in its
detail and the available scenery and structures was much more
appealing to him artistically and what he could do with the model
trains. The HO gauge offered a great depth and breath of creative
expression that did the O gauge.
Initially, the interest in model trains something you did at
Christmas time. Between one Christmas to another when his trains
were not set up, we would watch the real trains as they went past
his house. However, within a few years he was struggling with the
family to find a place were he could put up a permanent train
layout. Although the effort to gain a permanent train layout was
somewhat successful he was entering high school and life intervened.
The activities and demands of high school, college and the military
kept him from rebuilding his layout. Yet, even in the military he
was collecting trains when he could. In fact, it was being station
on the opposite side of the Country that he begin to really see all
the different types and kinds of railroading that was possible.
Being stationed on the opposite side of the country gave him the
opportunity to gain a whole new perspective. It opened him up to
what he never thought was possible. As a child, he tried to model
the railroads around his hometown. As an adult in the military being
exposed to other parts of the Country, he lost his preference for
his hometown railroads and his interest broadened to almost any type
of railroading. The railroads were only symbolic of something deeper
which was occurring within the author. It was also at this time the
author has his
experience as a healer and began to look a deeper into the
nature of Creation than what was provided by his “hometown”
understanding about things.
What is intriguing about the trains was that for almost forty years
the trains were his emotional “sink.” Trains was where he put is
creative passion. It was where the
dream of his heart resided. Trains had nothing to do with his
job and the reality of his life. Trains were part of his childhood
dream world and his childhood dream was protected and segmented from
the rest of his life by, and through, the trains. He learned to live
and function in the world of separation extremely well. He was
extremely successful by all the criteria that we use to measure
success.
However, he had a dream. That dream revealed itself in his desire of
building a large, grand, magnificent layout with multiple trains,
multiple cities. He dream was huge. It was as if he wanted to create
and entire world unto itself with his trains. As a child, he never
understood that he really couldn’t build such a layout - not because
it wasn’t possible. Rather, for what he wanted, it is just that he
would have needed others to help - it was just too big for one
person. Yet, he always held that dream. As he went through life, he
always kept that dream. He looked and thought about a way to build
that layout. During the meantime, he collected trains. He collected
model trains from all parts of the Country. He had representative
cars and/or engines of most of the major railroads and most of the
minor railroads. He didn’t want to leave anyone out. He wanted to
encompass it all. He thought about building such a layout in
retirement and figured he should collect all the trains and
structures so he would have them when he retired. He did this for
almost 40 years. In many ways that dream he carried was about
something he did after retirement from his professional life as he
understood it.
Then, two years before the
Ultimate Accident, he had a “knowing.” He knew that he would not
be able to buy any trains after October two years in the future. In
some ways it panicked him. He did not know why but he just knew it.
He perceived something was going to happen that trains would become
unavailable. Given the way the world was going he assumed there was
going to be some type of international disruption of commerce that
would make the plastic resins used in the trains unaffordable. So he
started to buy all those train items he always wanted but kept
delayed in buying. Such action, of course, didn’t do much for the
bank account he did obtain some really nice things.
The, two years later, when September 1995 came around, a month
before his insight was to be fulfilled, he went and bought a load of
lumber to start to actively building the framework for the train
platform. He knew that after October something would change. He felt
he had to start building the layout now if he really wanted to
create it. He was looking to fulfill his childhood dream. He didn’t
understand why he was doing this, but he knew it was somehow tied to
his well being in the world that he knew.
What needs to be understood is that it was in August 1995 that his
car burnt up on Interstate 70 as relayed in “A
culmination in thinking and moving into action.” It was this
same September that he set the intention to try and see if he could
create a
Critical Mass of Enlightenment Experiment. It was in December
that he experienced the
Ultimate Accident. In essence, the vehicle that he had chosen to
protect his creativity and his creative spirit, the model trains,
would no longer be a part of his life in the way it was. The dream
that was fueling the desire to create a train layout was to be
awakened and released into the world through the Ultimate Accident.
His creativity would awaken and come out of its protective shell to
unfold and grow into the world.
The fire which destroyed the his car, his vehicle, was only the
depth and breadth of his creativity awakening. It is interesting to
note this destruction occurred just
after he became aware of the possibility he carried information
that should be communicated. The interest to create a Critical Mass
of Enlightenment Experiment was only the outward form of it
germination. In many ways buying the lumber to build a train layout
was in many ways metaphoric of
cutting down the tree that had grow for forty years to make the
violin. Events in September and October would forever change his
life.
In addition to the author stepping out into his own creativity to
see if he could build that Critical Mass of Enlightenment
Experiment, he also step out into his own creativity another way. In
October, he took a friend to meet with the individual who desired to
create a mind body foundation and asked the author to become its
Executive Director. It appeared that which the friend wanted to
create compliment the mind body foundation. However, the individual
who wanted to create the mind body foundation was not really
interested in partnering with anyone else. They had their idea set
on how things would work and what should be build. So when the
friend’s desire was rejected, the author made an important decision
relative to his own creativity.
Prior to taking the friend to the founder of the mind body
foundation, the author looked to others to make things happen in the
world. When the friend was rejected, the author decided the he could
help them create what they desired. That was an important decision
for the author relative to his own creative power. In that decision,
he took back much that he given the external world. So in a very
short time period, the author stepped into his internal creative
power to create something from within his being and he stepped into
his external power to make something happen external to his being
without the need of others. He took creative responsibility both
inward and outward.
These two decisions may look very trivial and to some very ordinary.
Many readers may even say they take internal responsibility and
external responsibility all that time and the author was finally
growing up. Yet there was something more profound that was occurring
that few every really do. The illusion of mind is that we make our
own choices and decisions about life. However, most of the time we
are choosing based on what others have given us, told us or what we
expect from others. What occurred in the author’s life was a clear
break with all external influences internally and externally.
Analogously, it is the way a modern ship shifts from shore power to
internal power when it leaves port. While the ship is tied up at the
pier, it will access shore power or get its electrical and energy
needs met from shore. In this way maintenance can be done on the
ships engines and generators because they are not needed to supply
the electrical loads. However, when the ship shifts from shore power
to internal power, it separate itself from dependence on the pier
and is now free to sail the seven seas were the whim or intention
leads. It can also be seen as cutting the umbilical cord when a
child is born. When the cord is cut, the child is now in the world
on its own separated from its mother.
So too the author in these two decisions. He separate himself from
all that creatively sustained him all his life. To even conceive of
the concept of critical mass of enlightenment and what it really
meant required him to reject almost everything he was taught about
being a human, the nature of Creation and the nature of God. To
think that he could create the space for another’s dream to unfold
in the world but without the assistance of the world was also a
rejection of much of what he was taught. To do so required one to
understand they had a power over the external world to create that
safe space whatever it may be and whatever it looked liked. Yet, in
making theses decision, the author become a creator unto himself and
both accepted and claimed
the birthright we all possess.
In essence, the author was choosing to
hold his creativity sacred, not that of any other. He began to
look for ways to partner with people were each is able to hold their
creativity sacred and one does not need to compromise their truth.
Yet it was to create something that effectively served each.
What he didn’t understand but would have to come to learn in time is
that our external world is a reflection of our internal world. As
his internal world shifted to accept and embrace his creative powers
his external world would have to undergo a similar and parallel
change. His then existing external world was built on an entirely
different premise from what he was not adopting. His external world
had to come crashing to the ground in all ways for him to make that
transition from an external to an internal point of reference.
It is much like the nursery rhyme, Humpty Dumpty:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Could not put Humpty Dumpty together again
Quite simply, Humpty Dumpty had to
do it himself. He could not look to another what he himself had to
do. It took the author ten years to put the pieces of Humpty Dumpty
back together again.
In essence the author sat on the wall between what is inner life
called for doing and what his outer life called for doing in the
world. When he began to awaken to the depth and breadth of his own
creative power, he fell out of balance that he so long maintained
and shattered all he knew. The shell of ego could not be put back
together for the ego came from his identification with the external
world. But as any seed which breaks out of its shell and germinates,
an new life spring forth out of the past. So too the author. In
essence the author become the proverbial
phoenix. He had to destroy himself and rise again from the
ashes.
Within the process of the phoenix is an understanding. Understanding
the process can create a gentle phoenix for all those who those who
desire to recreate themselves in some way. But it is one’s own
creativity that will create that gentle phoenix. Yet it needs to be
understood is that we have encapsulated our creativity in a shell to
protect it. Much like the shell of a seed, until the shell is
broken, the material within the seed cannot get out to create that
that new life.
So how does one break that shell? It is to learn to transition
creativity from an external point of reference to an internal point
of reference. This is done by
holding one’s creativity sacred. It is to learn to allow what is
symbolized in the heart to lead one’s life and have mind attend
to the details to make it safe to do so. But for most of us, that
means
giving ourselves permission to explore our own creativity to see
what brings life into our being and what takes it away. Then follow
what give us life for the same creative spirit which created our
life, will lead our life. We find it and access it within our own
being through feeling and what gives us a feeling of life and a
passion for life and for living.
When the author was
denied the instrument that would allow him to feel his passion
for life, he found someplace else to protect that passion. His
trains severed that purpose for about forty years. Then, after much
exploration by mind as to how that passion could be express, it
simply burst forth in the fire of creativity which consumed his life
only for his life to rise out of the ashes in a new way, in a new
form.
Although there is great diversity in humanity, we are all
essentially the same. There is a creative spirit within each of us
that desires to come out and express itself true to itself. The
question is whether or not we do the exploration that will allow it
to come out and cause what amounts to essentially a spontaneous
combustion within our own creative power to rekindle the fire within
our heart to recreate our life true to ourselves.
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